Wednesday, July 21, 2010

If you really knew me...

im not so sure about this... its sorta depressing, but honest.


if you really knew me you would know how hard this is for me. to let my real emotions and feeling out

if you really knew me you would know how my home life is. How i come home everday to a single mom. who is disabled. a mom who has multiple chronic illnesses including mrsa, rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, diabetes.

If you really knew me you would know that i wake up almost every night to my moms desperate cries of pain. to her constant wave of nausea.

If you really knew me you would know that i only cry at night...when im alone...so no one can see me when im vulnerable

if you really knew me you would know that i joke and play just to hide the fact that im really sensitive.

if you really knew me you would know that im a people pleaser even though i hate to admit it.

If you really knew me you would know that today we had to buy groceries with fifteen dollars cuz my mom quit her job 3 weeks ago cuz she hurt her foot.

if you really knew me you would know that i lost my best friend over a guy. you would also know how i regret that. i told her everything. we were so close..its been almost 2 months since we last hung out

If you really knew me you would know that i act tough. i act as if i love life, like i have no cares in the world. When the truth is i hate life, im a weak little girl, and it feels as if everywhere i go im carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders.

if you really knew you would know that i have to hide my moms pills in a lock box so she wont get them in the middle of the night when she is having a "episode".

if you really knew you would know that the only way to get through the day is by either a book or polvore, somewhere i can disappear and be whoever i want to be for awhile. Because even if its for a minute all my pain and worries go away

if you really knew me you would know that by now im crying my eyes out by now.....but still alone

if you really knew me you would know how insecure i am about everything. from my weight to how my school work is...

If you really knew me you would know how my dad betrayed me...... how when i was little he beat my mom, he kicked her out when she was pregnant, how he cheated on her. Also you would know how i still forgave him and overlooked that because he was my dad, the only one i have, and i was his first born, his little girl.......But i guess that wasnt enough for him, because i noticed how we werent staying in contact i looked him up on facebook to add him as a friend. [because i spend alot of my time on there] and when i found him the things on there was disturbing......All of his friends where young women between the ages of 18-26.... all of them with little clothing on......His photos was of him with some random girls in bikini's or him at some gentlemens club......... his activities were sex...his favorite book was the joy of sex..................

If you really knew me you would know how much that broke my heart. how many times i cried over that. how many times i thought of forgiving him only to think of how my 8 year old sister re act and change my mind. If you really knew me you would know that i had to tell him what i saw....... And if you really knew him you would know that he lied saying it wasnt his and that u cant access photo's unless ur a friend..obviously he didn't know that one.im not 7 im 15 i know hot to navigate a facebook page..... 2.that i was fed up with his bull shitt

If you really knew me you would know that allthough i have many friends hardly any of them know this...hardly any of them know the real me..they dont how my true raw feelings

If you really knew me you would know how everyday i wanna almost kill myself cuz i think im a waste of life, of energy..

if you really knew me........you still wouldnt know all of me cuz i protect myself from people, from the world

If you really knew me you would know that i can never show this to someone i have to see face-to-face, its to emotion for me to share..if you really knew me you would know that once i finish this i will never talk about my feelings or anything remotely close to this..

if you really knew me........you still wouldnt know all of me cuz i protect myself from people, from the world

if you really knew me you would know nothing



and thats what you truly know about me


xoxox
alexandria nicole

1 comment:

  1. Alexandria Nicole...you are NOT a waste of space, of energy. I always thought you were a superhuman, and I STILL DO! Please don't be afraid to hide your true feelings...i promise it's not worth it sweetie. And if you EVER need someone to talk to, I'm here for you and I always will be. We have been through it all: fun times, rough patches, laughs, tears...and if we need to shed a few (or a lot) more, my shoulder is here, and don't ever forget that...I love you :)

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